Quantas Queries

And for the fourth in this Christmas week series, something quite different. Nothing to do with Christmas, just something to bring a smile to your face on a wet Wednesday.

After every Quantas flight, pilots always complete a ‘gripe’ sheet, which conveys to the mechanics, the problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight. The pilot completes the top part of the form listing the problem, the mechanics read it and then respond in writing on the lower half what remedial action was taken, so the pilot on the next flight of the plane can review the form before taking off.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour: here are some of the actual logged complaints and responses.

Pilot: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
Mechanic: Almost replaced left inside main tyre

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft

P: Something loose in the cockpit
M: Something tightened in the cockpit

P: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200ft per min descent
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
M: Evidence removed

P: Friction locks cause throttle to stick
M: That’s what they’re there for

P: IFF Inoperative
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

P: Suspected crack in windshield
M: Suspect you’re right

P: Number 3 engine missing/skipping
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious

P: Target radar hums
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit
M: Cat installed

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